I would usually spend a lot of time writing about any controversial topics that may help someone on their journey to living a more fulfilled life. However, this morning, I began to write and I felt something inside of me shift. I was yearning to be free like a bird caged too long.
On the outside, I look totally fine to the world. The inside shows shattered fragments of a life untold. A story that needs to be heard before forgotten. I often feel I am two people trapped inside of one body. I say to myself daily I must be strong to hide my scars from the world. Or maybe, life taught me most of the world doesn’t care about your scars unless it brings them sort of benefit. There lies the mask. The mask we all wear.
“I believe that truth has only one face: that of a violent contradiction.”
― Georges Bataille, Violent Silence: Celebrating Georges Bataille
The Truth Is…
I am an onion that if you peel away the layers it would only just lead to one more layer that needs to be peeled. I have spent years trying to cultivate and understand myself. I have come to the terms that learning yourself is an every day process. There are external forces that can and will define who you are. Some of those external forces we have not lived to see yet.
I want to live right and give the world the best version of myself. I’m sure as so does so many other people before me have. I just sometimes get lost on which version the world will truly accept. Can I truly be myself and be loved? We may say love is not what we seek, but we all want to feel it. I am no exception.
The battle I face is the old me vs the new me. I want to still be who I am. There are some traits about me that are embedded into my core. They are apart of me. It does not matter how much I may progress in life, I will always be ME. How do you battle with the idea of change when you love things about the former and present you? Will the world just say that you are going back to your old ways? Will they judge you?
Mirror… Mirror… On the Wall
Do I even recognize your reflection staring back at me anymore? Are you the same person? Have I lose you? When will you come back? These are the questions I ask as I look deep into the mirror for answers that it can never give. I look inside myself but the answers are shattered just life my life. I am the walking contradiction. I want to be free. Am I even afraid of what I may really see?